Throwing in the towel.

There's always a time where one thinks to themselves, 'is what I'm holding out for, really worth it?'.

I find myself asking this question.

For the last five years, I've been holding onto a dream. One which I always thought would somehow eventuate into reality.

Problem is, after five years, time begins to take a toll on your hopes and other pressures begin getting to you, adding to your overall weariness to the possible achievement of that particular dream.

In the last five years, there have been several set backs. Many of which had fairly damaging effects. But none-the-less, I've pushed though.

Until now.

Maybe it's time to hang up the phone, and dial a new number.

But with an uncertain future, I hesitate at making that decision.

It has been a while.

I feel like I'm going through the whole teenage rebellion thing a tad late. I'm fighting with my parents all the time, meaning I rarely come home. I am responsible for myself and want more freedom than they can give me. I can't afford moving out though, and I don't think I'd want to leave on this note.

Some days I really wish I was someone else.

I don't care about acceptance. I just want to be me.

Kind of ironic given that we all use stage names on here.

There is my teen angst. At 19.5 years old. May as well live it out for the next six months when it becomes inexcusable.

Giving up

This week has probably been one of the worst in a long time (and it's not even over yet).
I'm having family issues. My calisthenics team dissolved. My employees treat me like dirt. I haven't seen my friends in probably three weeks since I'm working 20 hours a week at least to try and support myself.

I don't want sympathy.

I just don't know how to come back out on top.

I'm so angry and upset and hurt that it forms some kind of cloud over my chest, and whenever I try to verbalise it, it becomes an incomprehensible gibberish mess. I think this is a remnant of abuse- I generally refuse to get angry, so when I do it mixes with everything else.

That's okay. I can deal with that.

I just don't understand why all these shitty things keep happening. In the mornings I wonder what hell awaits me and contemplate staying in bed. I can't help but think the problem is me, even though mostly it isn't.

How do you pick yourself up and dust yourself off again when it seems too much?

Sometimes I wish I was someone else. Or just somewhere else.

Sorry for the depressing topic. The high had to end sometime.

Going by the book.

The people that know me, are acutely aware of my tendency to do everything as near possible by the book. I've always believed that if you do things by the book, eventually things should work out in your favour.

What a load of bollocks that turned out to be.

It seems these days that people would rather lie, steal and cheat their way into getting what they want.

It seems these days that people are no longer the people that God intended. (Yes, I'm quoting religion, despite the fact I don't really believe in it.)

It's also occurred to me that life is only fair on some people, and grossly unfair on everyone else.

Some people will have opportunities snatched from their grasp by someone who weaselled their way in.

Others will get what they want, when they want.

And then there are those who get two bites of the cherry, when others have never even gotten anywhere near that cherry.

As a child, you're brought up to believe that you can conquer the world, that one can pursue the hopes and dreams, and that '"the world is your oyster".

But I'm afraid that too, is a load of bollocks.

You can dream, and you can plan, but it actually happening? Well, you better take a seat 'cos you'll be waiting a long time.

It is getting harder, and harder to do things by the book. Everyday is a constant battle to for those of us who do things by the book.

You constantly question yourself as to why everything works out for them, but never for you. You question whether or not it's worth playing by the rules.

And then you start to question whether or not you've wasted all those years doing things within the boundaries, when everyone else is dancing on those boundaries.

You can't fight against life when the fight isn't fair game to begin with.

Going by the book... what a load of bollocks.

Back to Reality

I have returned to uni.
Over the summer I did a lot of thinking. And made a lot of changes.
I still hate my job, though I got a promotion.
I changed my degree to something I like, and so far so good.
I've been going to the gym six days a week. Bought a car. Volunteering at a high school.

It doesn't mean that everything is perfect and everyone lives happily ever after. I got robbed today.

The challenge seems to be keeping up and still fighting when it hurts or you don't want to.

Power Point: Action.

So, it's Saturday night. And I'm here writing on a blog that no-one would probably read.

Despite that, this is the most action I've had this evening. Yes, I know how that reads, but I don't intend it in that way.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm relatively bored with my life right now. Work has become mundane, yet if I don't go, I risk losing my job all together. A side effect of working for a business that is barely hanging on.

I remarked in a previous post that a new year didn't always mean a new beginning. I still stand by that statement, but things do need a bit of a shake up. As time goes by, there are things that change, and there are things that remain constant. Life shouldn't remain constant. Life should be about change.

Actually, life should be about action.

Without action, we're standing still. Action is the one thing that keeps us moving and in check. If you want to make a move into a new venture, a new job, a new relationship, it requires action. Remaining constant does have it's benefits. Security is one, as you know what can happen and what will happen. But it lacks the spontaneousness of the moment. It lacks the action.

We go to the cricket or football to see the action right there in front of us. The unpredictably of each match is what gives way to the phrase 'being in the thick of the action'.

The time is right for action.

The only question now is how to make that action happen.

Queensland Flood Emergency.

The SUBURBANtermini team would like to extend their deepest sympathies to all those affected in the devastating floods sweeping through Queensland.

It is terrible events such as this which bring out the best in Australians. The teams on the front line continue to do an excellent job and we've seen neighbours and strangers alike assist where possible. As a team we commend these men and women.

It is the Australian way to band together and help their fellow man.

From the team at SUBURBANtermini, we wish all Queenslanders the very best and that our thoughts are with them during this time of need.

Kind regards,
SUBURBANtermini Admin.

New Years' Resolutions Are Bullshit

Some people think that a new year provides them with a fresh start.
These people also tend to think that because a new year begins, last year's problems will all fade away.

These people are wrong.

Long term goals are good.
New Year's Resolutions are silly.

The same problems you had last year will still be here until you resolve them. Own your issues and fix them yourself. It's the only way you'll become a better person.